“I see you. Today your guard is down, your mind quiet and body relaxed. You can come closer, but I still fear you. Dear friend, wake up & feel me fully, while I am still here to love you.”
What kind of emotional human qualities does society value? The first things that come to my mind are resilience, strength & fortitude. The most highly viewed TV program during the year is the Super Bowl, which displays the epitome of these qualities in men battling for prestige through grueling physical conditions. Everyone today lives with some sort of pain. Most everyone could find some part of the body on any given day that hurts. We just deal with it, right? We are often told, coached and encouraged to ignore the pain.
But what happens when we don’t feel it?
Physically the results can be quite obvious. If I ignore a sprained ankle and return to rigorous activity, the ankle is likely to injure further and take more time to heal. But on an emotional level, the body’s signals are more subtle.
We all have a myriad of tough experiences often dating back to childhood that we don’t like to talk about. We feel fragile and often become emotional when speaking of certain topics. We feel this vulnerability and quickly shut down because there is not enough awareness between ourself and the reaction to a traumatic event. Without cultivating awareness, a samskara (Sankrit) will continue to reside within our body as a vibratory trace of the past experience. Because we weren’t ready at the time to face and integrate the challenge that life presented us, our body serves as a storehouse awaiting the right time for the experience to be fully received. Well, how do we integrate tough past experiences? We find our strength and resolve in vulnerability. In order to heal, we must feel all the range of emotions that each unprocessed event in our life has to offer. In these emotions lie the keys to our lessons in understanding in becoming more whole & loving. The squirrel above exudes intimately this vulnerability. It has many predators, both on land and soaring through the air. The squirrel likely often feels fear, but the only way to resolve this fear is to feel it until it leaves the body.
Every feeling is a visitor.
A vibration cannot be removed like a physical organ; it’s too subtle. As such, it requires awareness on a subtle level in order for the emotional vibration to leave the body. The experience of such subtlety on an emotional level can be overwhelming, especially if we are not used to it. When I was 14, a family member of mine was admitted into a psychiatric ward for a suicide attempt. For the next month, I went almost everyday to therapy sessions, workshops & meetings. The suffering and emotional trauma I experienced as an early teenage empath was more than I could process at the time. Thinking I had to “hold it all together & be strong,” I neglected a fundamental need to feel and be aware of the subtle pain. As a result, my body stored the pain deep inside tissues while my brain created patterns of defending itself against the world around me. I ignored the signs and symptoms for ~10 years.
What happens when we don’t feel it?
Those experiences continue creating specific defensive synaptic patterns in the brain & chemical reactions of stress hormones in the endocrine system. The hypothalamus, pituitary gland and adrenal glands are activated by the perception of fear and recruit the body’s resources into preparing for survival. Our body will respond to stimuli in either a response for growth or for survival. How does someone respond to survival? Usually their body tightens and shrinks. The body is unconsciously preparing for “fight or flight,” and they become hyper reactive to the environment. A set of biological defense mechanisms begin to overrun the personality to protect the body and the immune system is deprived of vital energy and nutrients. Hypervigilant on security, the brain is always scanning in the future for potential threats. Under threat, we can’t ever be in a present moment because it hasn’t been proven safe. When we don’t trust the world; we are at war with it.
Sound like some people you know? Sometimes ourself?
Yes. Sadly, it is the case for many people with unresolved trauma. The pain of the past is still living inside of us and governing our decisions now. While we continue to ignore it through our endless choices of distractions, the vibration continues to resonate inside of us and the neural and chemical patterns persist. We become paralyzed by our ignorance to feel and our choices are removed by these programs deep in our brain & body that choose for us. If we want to be free, we must change; if we want to change, we must heal; if we want to heal, we must again feel.
By the time I had turned 24, I was exhausted, discouraged and lonely. My only focus was everything that was wrong with the world. My physical body was a mess of knots, I was insecure, feeling like a toddler emotionally and frustrated with knowing I wasn’t ready to be a partner in a healthy relationship. I began psychotherapy, which helped to open the first door towards again experiencing and feeling all of the emotions I had left behind, yet the reach of that modality for me had clear limits. After reading some work in mythology, I realized the nature of my inquiry was the Spiritual. (More on this in a future post)
About a week ago, I reconnected with this family member energetically and opened a door I had left closed for years. The resounding anger, overwhelming sadness, terrifying fear and even suicidal thoughts swallowed me for 2 days. It felt like insanity and for a 6 hour period one day; I couldn’t be around anyone. A retreat into nature bathing in sunlight, exploring paths unknown and listening to a whispering creek balanced my nervous system. Once all of those emotions were felt, accepted and witnessed, my body shifted and softened. Suddenly a deeper awareness exposed the patterns that had governed my decision-making processes. I found myself reflecting on choices in a way that wasn’t available before. These questions would arise like, “Is this really what you want?” instead of subconscious justifications for a more socially acceptable choice. I felt so much more comfortable around people, both familiar and not, because a part of me wasn’t having to stay hidden and protect itself. The worry I experienced was so much less and I could actively listen more acutely for much longer. Without using that energy for protecting & hiding, a strength in vulnerability has fueled my interaction with the world. Energy free to move and express!! I wasn’t having to try to stay present with what is happening in the moment, I felt emotionally secure enough to allow the presence to rest in the now. Life will always have another set of challenges awaiting each learning we receive. Can you accept yourself as you are? Can you embrace each feeling? Strength in vulnerability awaits.
Happy healing friends! Welcome to Living Present.
Dan Ellis | Living Present
Direct line: 678.787.2056
